Tuesday, 31 March 2009

G20 Pro Capitalist Protest

Me, handing a Carson rose to Gordon

I've taken a lot of stick for wanting to protest in London tomorrow, mostly on the grounds that the whole thing has been hijacked by unwashed dole spongers and the Legs Akimbo dance troupe, funded by the Fairtrade Organic Lesbian Collective.

Well, it appears that a group will be marching for LESS Statist interference, less regulation and the abolition of false dreadlocks made out of rags so fondly worn by womyn wearing combat trousers and bolts through their noses.

I'm joining them outside the Bank of England at 11am

More details here

"One of the methods used by statists to destroy capitalism consists in establishing controls that tie a given industry hand and foot, making it unable to solve its problems, then declaring that freedom has failed and stronger controls are necessary."—Ayn Rand, 1975

Rise for Stanislav

Mr & Ms Schmidt

All rise.

Okay whaddayagot for me this morning. Mr Prosecutor ?

Number one on your list, Sir. Mr Timney

Timney ? You mean the wanker.

The, ah, wanker, Sir, that’s correct.

This is the guy married to someone famous ?

The, ah, home seckatry,Sir.

You’re shitting me ? Right?

No, Sir, sorry Sir, the very same…..

The UK home seckatry, used to cook in the school up the road ??? The lardball??

Ms Schmidt, Sir.

Fuck me, he’s married to the home fucking seckatry. And it says here that this porn, these was five pounds a go shit, not one pound fifty like I, I mean as other people pay. Five pounds? What was this shit ? Gorillas ? I seen some a that Gorilla porn, Jeez, they must need some handling, some feeding, too. Can understand how that’d cost a fiver. So there you was, wanking over that Gorilla shit, not very nice, and the Court takes a dim view, and what happens, the Old Bill arrive?

No, Sir, it wasn’t like that. The accused was trying to claim the cost of the Gorilla filth, through his wife’s parliamentary expenses, he was actually wanting the home office to buy him his porn. He was wanking, really, your worship, in our faces; yours and mine.

He was fucking well what? He was having a Jay Arthur all over you and me? The dirty fucking bastard. He’s going away, the fucking degenerate bastard. I never heard shit like this. Twenty years on this Bench and I never heard a no bastard getting his rocks off over interspecies porn and dumping his load in the taxpayer kisser. He’s a beardy nonce, isn’t he. He looks the type. He’s pleading guilty, I take it?

Well, Sir, he was caught with his trousers down round his ankles, so there’s not much else he can do.

You, Timney, you fucking arsehole. Anything to say before you go to jail.

Yes, your worship, if I can just read to the Court from this letter I write to the Redditch Advertiser every week……….Frau Schmidt is an excellent constituency MP and me and our children have never met her, she lives in a broom cupboard in London, working hard for the people of Redditch, the stupid fucking bastards. I would ask you to have some mercy on me because I am a serial offender and the taxpayer will pay back all the money which me and Frau Schmidt have stolen from him over the years. Will I get SkyFilth Movies in prison ?

"Fire" Minister Sadiq Khan

Has just introduced new Fire Brigade uniforms to encourage more ethnic diversity in the Fire Brigade.

Give me fucking strength...

We are pleased to note that the fire service is now taking seriously the issues of culture and religious belief when purchasing corporate and protective clothing for firefighters

Jagtar Singh

Asian Fire Service Association

Milk before the tea - gets them every time.

After a test viewing of the Smith films, members of the Scots Guards attempt to force their kilts back down.

(Picture found in a seedy back room here)

I've often wondered just what it would take to get the British public, or even the media, to demand that this government finally resign. Invading Iraq on the basis of lies? Soaring knife crime? Trainspotters and tourists confused with terrorists by the police? Plastic policemen bossing them around? Neighbourhood snoops on council pay? Children encouraged to inform on their parents? Banks asking which political party they support? Tax upon tax upon tax? Banning anything they enjoy? Having their children criminalised for drawing hopscotch boards on the street? All grumbled at, but accepted.

Ministers and 'public servants' voting themselves a pay increase while everyone else gets a pay cut or loses their job? Expense allowances that would make a banker blush? Charging for a second home less than forty miles from the original? Charging for a second home while staying with relatives? Pillaging pensions while gold-plating Government ones? Allowing unfettered immigration and branding anyone who objects as racist? Interfering in every detail of our lives - tracking our movements, following our internet use, phone calls and emails, recording us when we leave the country, stopping and searching thousands under anti-terrorist laws while failing to find a single one... the list is endless.

None of that caused more than a few mutterings of 'political correctness gone mad' - an idiotic phrase because political correctness was mad to begin with - but otherwise, nobody stirred. Nobody protested. Nobody regarded any of these as career-ending moves made by the drain sump residue running this country.

And yet, when Jacq the Ripper's paid-husband watched £10 worth of porn and charged it to the taxpayer, it's considered something she can't recover from.

Eh? She recovered from demanding that anyone visiting a prostitute be named and shamed, while allowing anonymity for child molesters. She recovered from the Damian Green business. She was unruffled by revelations of her troughing in the allowances, and yet £10 worth of porno films brings her down?

I wonder, is it because the sums involved in those allowances are so large that the average person can't quite believe it? Bring it down to charging for a bath plug or Sky TV and they can see it, but talk about mortgage-sized sums and it doesn't feel real. Is that it?

Or maybe there's a shred of British decency left. Maybe she's finally offended those British morals which allow the porn industry to flourish as long as nobody admits to buying any. That mindset that says 'Oh, we all know Carruthers shags alsatians but as long as he's never caught in the act, it's all okay'. The old 'Do what you like as long as it doesn't frighten the horses' attitude.

Perhaps it's the outrage of the Professionally Offended, who see no problem with ministers stealing from us because it means we have less money for booze and tobacco and fat-generating foods, but woe betide any who fall below their Puritan standards.

Whatever nerve needed twisting, the Ripper has, at last, twisted it.

There would be a certain poetic justice in this Government falling because of the professionally offended. Those they trained and encouraged to find offence at the slightest thing must be reeling in shock at the idea of The Ripper's pet man tugging at his loose thread so hard he risks unravelling. All those who begged for ID cards from Big Jacq must now consider that she has touched those hands, and then touched the ID cards. She might even have claimed for the tissues. Look at the twinkle in her eyes... did she watch? Did she help? Were those tight-pursed lips put to use, their fount of lies and spin silenced for a few moments? Hey, if it shut her up, it's £10 well spent.

I should have put 'sick bags at the ready' at the start of that paragraph. I hope you had one handy.

The British are a funny lot. I'm reminded of 'Carry on up the Khyber' where Kenneth Williams (the Khazi) catapulted the heads of fallen British soldiers into Sid James' tea party, to no effect. Kenneth Williams' line "A thing like that leaves them unmoved, but put the milk in the cup before the tea and they go berserk" sums it up nicely. Jacq the Ripper and the rest of the Gorgon's goblins have been throwing heads at us for years. Now she's put the milk in the cup first.

You can shaft the Brits for money and they'll grumble about it and do nothing. You can make up stupid rules and they'll grumble but follow them anyway.

But get caught with one of Those Films and it's whisky and revolver time.

On the rocks, Mrs Shagnasty - sorry, Miss Ripper? Oh, and there are two bullets in your gun so you can take Tugger with you.

Quickly now. There's a queue.

Update: Spark Up informs me it's milk first, tea second. Well, I wouldn't know. I'm genetically predisposed to espresso and pasta and scary driving and a recognition of the fact that while rules exist, they only apply if you're being watched by someone who cares.

I'd go back there but I can't ride a moped and I'm not Catholic. I also don't speak the lingo since it had faded from the family by the time I was born. I can make a decent espresso at least.

So I have to take Spark Up's word that I have the milk and tea part the wrong way round. Sorry about that.

Monday, 30 March 2009

If you haven't seen Newswipe...

Here it is

More on iPlayer

Cut and Paste to your MP

Dear xxxxxxxx

I notice that Her Majesty’s Government has recently published your expenses as my MP.

After much scrutiny, I notice that you have grabbed £xxxxx from my wallet for “the cost of staying away from your main home”. You fat idle cunt! You only live xx miles from fucking Parliament! I know deaf, dumb and blind people who commute further than that every day on filthy lice ridden trains whilst dodging hooded knife wielding scrotes! As you are away so often and I’m paying for it, I am going to seduce your wife and daughters. Up their arses. With a handful of sand.

I also notice that you spend £xxxx of my hard earned money on “staff”. Considering I hear from you once every four years, might I ask as to exactly what I am paying them for? I realise there is a good chance they are your nephew or cousin but nevertheless, they could get a job washing cars or mopping up vomit in McDonalds if they want to spend their gap year “doing” Asia to “find themselves”.

Your Comms allowance is also £xxxxx. What the fuck? Have you launched your own satellite? Why the hell do need that much money to tell me what I can already read about you on a piece of used bog paper?

In total, you cost me £xxxxxx a bastard year. Enough to pay off my mortgage. You BASTARD.

So. As you are my employee and all your “staff” are my employees, and you are spending all my fucking money, I am coming round to “quantatively ease” your fingers off my fucking wallet with a sledgehammer.

Love and kisses

Old Holborn

MP's Expenses

Yup, here they are
(No prizes for spotting Kerry McCarthy)

+++Draper live on Woman's Hour++++

Making another arse of himself, talking about "happiness"

Get stuck in

Losing All Public Respect, Our Police Farce

"Don't you worry Sir, Health and Safety will be along shortly!"

Almost unbelievable, but it follows on from the PCSO's not wanting to get wet saving a child from drowning, and is probably inevitable in this climate of ambulance chasing lawyers and Health And Safety legislation enacted by the Nanny State, but it is doing nothing to help the Police Farce regain public support or trust.

Police officers prevented neighbours from trying to rescue people from a fire, and of course, were not allowed to do anything themselves except wait for the Fire Brigade. Then they were praised by their superior officer.

Old time coppers must be appalled.

The Penguin

Sunday, 29 March 2009

The Plan

Good to see that The Plan by Douglas Carswell and Daniel Hannan has been flying out of the door since Daniel bent Gordon over in Brussels and shoved a red hot broken bottle dipped in sand and acid up his flanders poppy.

It is currently the 57th most popular UK book on Amazon

Grab a copy (by using the link on the right hand side, then I get to buy more porn, rather than relying on the tax payer).

Distance Diagnosis - a new sport.

David Owen, a psychiatrist turned politician, is but the latest to take up distance diagnosis.

Dr David Southall was famously found guilty of professional misconduct after he claimed that it was 'beyond reasonable doubt' that he could identify Steven Clarke as being a 'child abuser' by watching him on TV.

Will David Owen be found guilty of professional misconduct for claiming that Gordon Brown is an 'electorate abuser' by watching him? I doubt it.

David Owen, in the Oxford journal Brain, identifies a mental disorder, 'hubris syndrome', in several past prime ministers, but subtly falls short of a direct diagnosis of our current Prime Minister. The symptoms he identifies make interesting reading

A narcissistic propensity to see one's world primarily as an arena in which to exercise power and seek glory.

A disproportionate concern with image and presentation

A messianic manner

Excessive confidence in own judgment and contempt for advice

Exaggerated self-belief, bordering on omnipotence

A belief that one is accountable solely to history or god

Loss of contact with reality; often associated with progressive isolation

Restlessness, recklessness and impulsiveness

Alastair Campbell was believed to be the source of the 'psychologically flawed' slur on the Prime Ministers mental health, or lack of; that was but a cheap jibe from the master of sound bites. David Owen, writing in conjunction with another psychiatrist, Jonathon Davidson, in an ultra respectable academic journal, is a pointing finger that will be far more difficult to ignore.

He says there is no drug treatment, but that cabinet government should block messianic tendencies. Unfortunately, he says, "we haven't had cabinet government now since 1997" apart from an interlude when Brown first took over. Democracy is the best treatment. The four prime ministers he directly identifies with hubris syndrome were brought down by backbench pressure.

Let us hope that back benchers read academic Oxford journals. In case they don't, and this article was published February 12th, so perhaps they don't, I shall be doing everything I can to give it more publicity.

Hat tip to Sarah Boseley.

Saturday, 28 March 2009

If the pieces fit...

Captain Apocalypse forgets to let the makeup staff finish.

I know there are many who think I'm just a paranoid nut. I hope I am. Yet I firmly believe there will be trouble at the G20 protests next week and that the Brown Gorgon is salivating at the prospect. Remember his face when the banks started falling? He loved every second of it. The man desires nothing more than chaos because he believes it makes him indispensible. So he causes chaos and then pretends to try to fix it but doesn't really try because it's the chaos, not the fixing, that he loves.

Why am I convinced of trouble next week? Firstly, because the police are actively soliciting it. Secondly, because a large part of the protests are being organised by Government-sponsored quangos. Not by spontaneous public groups. Not by the furious public. The protests are organised by Government lackeys and the police are gearing up for big trouble. Police statements sound like those announcements made by boxers before the big fight. They are not appealing for calm. They are playing up the 'there's going to be trouble and we're ready for it' line. Apparently Trafalgar Square has been prepared for battle.

It looks very much like a setup, a stage-managed riot in which a lot of innocent people will get hurt. None of the organisers will be damaged because they won't be there. The British haven't rioted to order so the Government is going to arrange it for us.

Watch for that Gorgon deathmask grin when the fighting starts. Then watch the new laws appear as if by magic, almost as if they hadn't been already prepared beforehand. Watch more of our liberties vanish.

Most of all, watch out for that civil contingencies act.

Dear Mr Taxman

I find it amusing that many contributors have decided that because Guthrum, one of our authors here at Old Holborn, has decided to move his business abroad, he is in some way unpatriotic.

It isn’t. He is effectively putting the labour of his employees outside of the grasp of Brown’s voracious appetite for stealing their hard earned money.

I am also moving my business abroad. I have spent the last month setting up my business in Zug, Switzerland. Outside of the reach of both the EU and Brown. The eye watering wages of my staff will no longer be plundered by Brown to finance his ridiculous Ponzi scheme, the tentacles of the unelected EU commission will not dictate to me who and where I reach agreement with and the profit of my and many others labour will make them rich, not him.

This is not unpatriotic. This is Patriotic.

I want Brown to starve. I want him bankrupt. I want him cold and shivering, scared, alone and destitute. I know that if I give him the chance to spend every penny I have, he will. So he’s not getting any. Like a feral, antisocial teenager, addicted to Buckfast, he's going to have to go cold turkey.

You do not have my consent or obedience Brown, and now, you do not have my money either.

In fact, you have nothing from me but my total and utter contempt. Which I give freely and in abundance.

You’re welcome.

(Ps. Lee and Donna, Shitcreek Estate, Basildon. Don’t take it personally, but pay your own fucking bills in future. I no longer see the sense in paying you to sit on your arses all day getting fatter just because my money and Gordon Brown spending it all said you could)

Do your bit. Starve Brown.


“Banking was conceived in iniquity and was born in sin. The bankers own the earth. Take it away from them, but leave them the power to create money, and with the flick of the pen they will create enough deposits to buy it back again. However, take it away from them, and all the great fortunes like mine will disappear and they ought to disappear, for this would be a happier and better world to live in. But, if you wish to remain the slaves of bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, let them continue to create money .”
Sir Josiah Stamp (former director of the Bank of England)

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around [the banks] will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs.”
Thomas Jefferson (3rd US president)

Money is not life. Plasma TV's do not set you free. A BMW will not make you happy.

Only children can do that. And Brown has sold mine into slavery.

Democracy according to playboy fascist Jock Neil


Jock: (talking of the G20) “I suppose the loonytunes’ll be out, the protesters, do you think the police will…..”

Diane Abbott: “Oh, yes, the police will contain them….they’d better”

This Week, BBC1

Mr Old Holborn: “Never forget. There are 60,000,000 of us and 646 of them. We consent to be ruled by them, but as any prison guvnor knows, push too hard and we'll be on the fucking roof.

Next week will see dissent. Not just by crusty dog on string ne'er do wells, jealous of bankers bonuses, but the Salvation Army (yes, really) and a myriad of disaffected "citizens" enraged not just by where we are now but by how we allowed the 646 to get us here.”

The loonytunes, eh, Jock, good a name as any for those who pay your wages.

Gordon Brown Taking Lessons From South America on Good Financial Management

This will be my last post for ten days, as I am in the process of moving my business away from the UK, whilst I still have one to move. All of my colleagues and skilled staff are moving too. Skilled people I know and have worked with for twenty plus years are leaving for Singapore,Canada, Australia, South America and Africa. Its OK,don't worry, because thanks to Nu Labour's 'business friendly' policies, all of these skilled and experianced people will be replaced by unskilled people attracted to growing State sector employment and benefits culture.

I am flying out on Sunday, as 'Our Leader' flys back from his triumphant world tour, ridiculed in Brussels, Brazil and Chile. All I can see in the near future are baton rounds,teargas and national bankruptcy from this Darien Government.

Brown will go in a few months, certainly within a year,only to be replaced by his big state clone Cameron, promising further tax rises.

We have gone from being a nation of merchant adventurers to inmates of the gulag in sixty short years of welfarism.

Friday, 27 March 2009

Dead Soldiers sent home by FREIGHT

"We have been told that the soldiers were not allowed to have a ramp service because of political reasons. We were told the Government didn't want anything that would look like the Troubles had restarted."
RIP Sappers Patrick Azimkar and Mark Quinsey
Thank you Goodnight Vienna for the tip. I am equally outraged.

Fat Bastard

Eric Pickles made a cock of himself last night on Question Time. Apparently, he needs a second home in London (paid for by the tax payer) because travelling 37 miles from Brentwood, Essex to Westminster by 9.30 am would mean he had to leave home at 5.30 am. The fat lying cunt.

It takes 40 minutes to Liverpool Street.

I suspect...

Putting the boot in.

Jacqui Smith's heart must have beat a little faster this week, when news reached her of the advances in the science of Internet censorship made in Germany.

11 German detectives descended on the home of Theodor Reppe, in the name of 'discovery of evidence of distribution of pornographic material'.

Without informing Theodor of his rights, they demanded the passwords to his web site, asked that the entire domain be disabled, and then made a false claim that he had agreed for all this to take place without witnesses.

Why, you may ask, should a purveyor of child pornography be treated any better? Why indeed.

Except that Theodor is not a purveyor of child pornography, he is the registered domain owner of wikileaks.de, the German equivalent of the well known wikeleaks.org - feared by governments across the world.

Wikileaks have recently published the list currently being used in trials of the "great Aussie firewall". To the embarrassment of the Australian government, about half the links on the published list related to material other than child porn, and included online poker sites, fetish, satanic and Christian sites.

Not only is it now prohibited to look at certain sites in Australia, it is prohibited to know which sites are prohibited.

In Australia, during the last year, a tactic of those seeking to block the Internet was to insinuate that those who questioned such a block were soft on child porn and might have a pro-paedophile agenda.

Now that that slur has been rebutted, the next step may be to extend the definition of distribution of child porn: not merely hosting it or passing it to third parties; but merely informing other people of where it is accessible.

Telling you where you might go to find out where you might go to find out where you might go to find out where you might go......may yet see a jack-booted one kicking down my door. All in the name of protecting the kiddies of course, far be it from me to insinuate that this is a cover story to protect the government from citizens seeing anything like Dan Hannan's video.

Angry Draper

Derek Draper returns to his Labourlist office fresh from being on the daily politics show with Guido Fawkes

hat tip to Bill Quango MP

Anarchist Professor suspended ahead of the G20 protests


Chris Knight has been suspended for saying there was a risk of real bankers hanging from lamposts on April 1st.

This is the first sign that the State is getting very wobbly about next week.

Fear of the Mob goes back to Roman times, because the mob is not interested in niceties of legal processes, the mob mentality just boils down to a seething anger.

I am not sure why the State thinks that they can seek to govern every aspect of our lives, take away any sense of self reliance, then says it is nothing to do with them when it all goes to crap. Its International forces, it is the Americans etc.

The State should not expect people who are losing their homes, their jobs, their future and even their very hope not to get angry, whilst the State and its friends in the City feathernest themselves.

Interesting Times

Thursday, 26 March 2009

This desperately needs an update 2006-2009

Any takers ?

FFS Somebody please sack Peston- Browns cheerleader

Labours achievements

- Illegal Iraq war

- Afghanistan ‘peacekeeping’

- Sexed-up dossier and fixing WMDs

- Dr Kelly’s’suicide’

- Blair’s taste for war

- Replacing Trident

- Bush and Obama’s poodle

- Blocking EU treaty referendum

- Arms sales to Saudi terrorists

- Pandering to the Saudis

- BAE inquiry blocked by cronies

- Allowing Murdoch to influence policy

- Decimating UK manufacturing

- Borrowing Brown’s boom & bust

- Brown’s smoke & mirrors accounting

- Selling off gold reserves

- Creating debt culture

- Raids on pension funds

- PFI and PPI taxpayer rip off

- New Deal jobs sham

- Increasing gap between rich & poor

- Toadying to vested corporate greed

- A home office ‘not fit for purpose’

- A tick-box PC culture

- Binge drinking, licensing laws

- ‘Respect’ agenda, knives and gangs

- Big Brother surveillance

- ID cards & attacks on civil liberties

- Fiddling crime stats

- Unchecked immigration

- Blunkett’s fall from grace

- Stuffing quangos with lackeys

- Rise of consultants and wonks

- Mandelson’s rise & fall & rise & fall & rise

- Campbell & the spin doctors

- Erminegate Sleaze

- New Labour croneyism

- Ex-ministers pimping for lobby firms

- Levy pimping peerages to slushfund

- Eco-town con

- Ripping-off the public to pay for Olympics

- £12.7bn NHS computer waste

- Privatisation and NHS cuts

- Squandering taxpayer’s billions

- Academies & dumbed down exams

- Scrapping trade union’s Clause 4

- Greengate scandal

- Bernie Ecclestone scandal

- Encouraging gullible to gamble

- Prescott and the super casino

- Dome fiasco

- False ‘Britishness’

- Killing off pubs and Post Offices

From Tom Harris blog, where he is currently stating that no one should be allowed to publicly criticise Gordon Brown. Really.

Draper Vs Guido

Click on the picture to view
Upon meeting Draper, Piers Morgan allegedly said "Christ, if I'd have known Kate Garraway set her standards that low, I'd have had a pop myself)

Derek Draper- More Spin ?

Not to be shown on the BBC of course !

Guido says...

Guido went to California last week to get to the bottom of the story, what Guido discovered was shocking. Guido has already revealed that Draper didn’t go to the prestigious Berkeley campus of the University of California, instead he went to a small institute, based in a house in the suburbs of Berkeley.

What Guido found out in Berkeley was even more surprising. Guido has established as fact from reliable sources that in March 2004 Derek Draper was asked to leave the third year of a Clinical Psychology (PsyD) programme normally lasting 5 years. Further that in April 2004 it was determined that he would not receive an M.A. from the Wright Institute. So how does Derek come to have an M.A.? Why was he expelled? Did he win an appeal? Is it all the same old Derek with the same old spin?

The BBC say that this is off topic and they didn’t want to run a video from Guido on this subject. Guido thinks it gets to the core of Draper’s character. He spins the truth and you just can’t get away with that inauthenticity online. Draper just isn’t the real deal.

H/T Iain Dale


The Politics Show finally shows the Hannan youtube clip.

OH Update: Labourlist are going for the Jugular of Guido. This is going to end in tears.


I'm getting tired of this.

UPDATE: a fellow seditonary has supplied us with a new, more truthful version

Dan who ?

What a surprise- So Not a Medical Miracle then

The world is burning, governments are falling, industries are going under- What is the BBC running with this morning on Radio 4 this runt whose balls have not dropped is not the father of the child. So the mother is just the usual fifteen year old who has shagged around a lot, thats the Nu Labour Legacy and the Jade Goody effect.

Dumb Downed Britain- Too thick to think, just about able to rut

Battle of the Bloggers

Guido FawkesDerek Wassisname

Today sees Guido going out on a very risky limb and taking on Derek sombodyorother on the Daily Politics show at 11.45 am on Pravda 2

Swiss Bob is going to be liveblogging the event and you can join in too.

I am moderating the event, which means as much swearing, insults, libel and death threats as you can muster please.
UPDATE: If you want to watch it live on your PC whilst the boss is not looking, download Zattoo
UPDATE: Guido has fired the first massive salvo by revealing that Derek Whatever was expelled from some micky college three years into a five year course. More here

Pot Calls Kettle Brown

Now totally divorced from reality, our Great Leader lectures leading American Bankers and criticises them for losing track of honesty and integrity.

This is the Lying Bastard who claimed to have done away with Boom and Bust! Who claims to have lifted 65 million children out of poverty! Who claims no-one is disadvantaged by his 10-p tax fiasco! Who can't tell the difference between spending and investing! (I could go on, and on, and on!)

And whose integrity is such that he plotted against his boss and undermined his initiatives. And claimed that his cowardice was nothing to do with opinion polls.

But his hubris and arrogance is such that he sees no problem in attacking people for being dishonest or lacking in integrity.

Fucking deluded hypocrite.

The Penguin

Talk Of A Very British Coup- Vince Cable

Look who had a chat with HRH after Mervyn !

Buckingham Palace Court Circular

24th March, 2009

Miss Kathryn Tickell was received by The Queen today when Her Majesty presented her with The Queen’s Medal for Music.

Sir Peter Maxwell Davies (Master of The Queen’s Music) was present.

Mr. Mervyn King (Governor of the Bank of England) was received by Her Majesty.

Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup (Chief of the Defence Staff) was received by The Queen.

Brown and Mandelson out of the country, the signals are coming thick and fast, they are even re running 'To play the King' and 'House of Cards' on Sky.

H/T Ian PJ


Blocked by the BBC, but Dan Hannan's speech goes Global H/T Guido

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

In the Loop

Hat tip to Tory Bear

Armando Ianucci has a film out on April 17th. It looks good.

Brown tells NY Bankers to mend their ways !!

I really don't think he should be allowed out on his own in this deluded state, it is not doing the rest of us any good.

Waste Energy Day

The Finance Director of UK Plc has called it.

Yesterday, we had the sight of Gordon Brown addressing a half empty chamber of the European Parliament. On the blogosphere we had the speeches of both Daniel Hannan and Nigel Farage ripping into Brown’s utter failure as both Chancellor and Prime Minister.

Did we see any of this on the BBC or any other broadcasting media in this country, did we hell. We just had the uncritical broadcast of Brown’s wooden triumphalism. The BBC has demonstrated yet again that it is under total state control. The Nu Labour message is pushed relentlessly through Eastenders,the One Show, the Archers etc creating a parody of the Britain that we live in filtered through the newspeak of Nu Labour.

Polly is also calling for state subsidy of the Grauniad and other ‘worthy’ print media (The Devil) whilst hundreds of longstanding regional newspapers go to the wall. They are going to the wall, because business that funds these papers through advertising can no longer afford to, so Polly wants state aid. Failing to see that the tax base has been eroded by business going bust.

Business is the goose that lays the Golden Eggs you stupid stupid woman.

Wondering why there are so many NHS and Government adverts on the TV at present, it is because business adverting has dried up, and the commercial channels are going bust, the Government advertising is a State subsidy to ensure that those sedatives, East Enders and Coronation Street stay on the air. Keep the masses entertained at all costs, its as old as bread and circuses.

However despite the Hannan and Farage blackout, the Financial Director of UK Plc , Mervyn King, made the clearest public statement that he could that the country has run out of money, the rest of the board of UK Plc are too scared to admit it and are in denial. I have seen the ‘bunny in the headlights’ syndrome in so many directors and managers faces in the last thirty years, unable to comprehend that the bullshit they have been feeding their staff, their customers, their creditors will no longer wash. The defining day for me was when Labour started printing money guaranteed to stoke ‘stagflation’. The monopoly money is being used to pay state employees and the unemployed, whilst business after business goes bust.

Governments, historically, with their backs to the wall do one of two things- they go voluntarily or they indulge in repression. The Stuarts did repression and where thrown out of power in an avoidable bloody civil war, The last Tsar put the Cossacks on the streets, it all ended in a cellar in Ekaterinburg.

April 1st will be a defining day for this Government and for the Conservative Party. The G20 protests, sure, will be have a huge mix of the usual ‘awkward’ squad, but the uniting mood will be the one against this corrupt Government and the Bankers that it has given our treasure to. The Police are going to have a hard time of it, if they are beaten into a corner trying to defend the indefensible. If I was Stephenson I would be saying to Jackboot Jacqui that the Summer of Rage has arrived early and that only a political solution is going to save the day, not more repression.

Brown can either drag this agony out, or be dragged out himself or stand aside, as did the leaders of Iceland and Hungary, and call a General Election. Cameron cannot assume the reins and come out with more of the same policies. Otherwise he is going to just play the role of a failed Kerensky.

In my humble opinion, the Conservatives should dump Cameron with his weak ‘Capitalism with a Conscience’, and promote those with a clear mandate and Plan to put to the people.

My personal wishlist in the first 100 days.

The immediate abolition of both BBC and Income Tax on the same day. The freeing up of 40% of our salaries, those still lucky enough to be in work, will be circulated into the shops, homes and businesses, and will create real jobs.

The creation of a Tax Haven Britain for businesses across the world to invest in.

The immediate closure of ALL quangos, wholesale sacking of public servants.

The NHS to be funded from NI, not general taxation.

The end to our costly overseas military entanglements.

Reform of Parliament to 100 full time MP’s and a written constitution.

We are going one of two ways in 2009, a socialist siege economy or a new start for capitalism that has made us rich over the last two hundred and fifty years, that excessive taxation has destroyed.


Since starting this piece a newsflash has gone across my screen that Fred Goodwin’s home has been attacked. Perhaps time is shorter than I thought.

Updated Update:

With thanks to both Subrosa, Lilith and Guido, I had missed the unprecendented meeting without officials present between Mervyn King and HRH.

This is as sure a sign of a political meltdown as you would would wish to see, HRH will be 'suggesting' various courses of action if the Saxe-Cobourg-Gotha family wish to stay at their current residence.


UK Government Gilt sale fails

Google Earth

The link to Jackboots "main residence" on Google Earth has suddenly been removed by Google at 9.12 am.
Seems it's OK for them to watch us, but not vice versa. What fun! Now I know how East Germans felt!

Gordon responds to Hannan

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Dead man walking

This is a very important speech. Make sure you watch it whether you agree or disagree.

G20 Meltdown

Come to London's biggest ever street party!

On Financial Fools Day, The City of London will form the backdrop forthe biggest mobilisation of the people since more than a millionmarched against the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq.

Thousands and tens of thousands are expected to take to the streets to coincide with the G20 summit of world leaders who are flying into London. The same bastards who got us into this mess are trying to pull the biggest April Fools trick in history: to pretend that the global economic meltdown can be fixed and they are the ones best qualified todo the fixing. To get away with this effrontery, these bankers will do all they can to mask themselves with the charisma of Barack Obama, due to arrive here that morning. We're not fooled.

We have global economic and environmental meltdown. We have home repossessions and unemployment spiraling out of control. We have unjust wars. And for what? Presidents and premiers are plotting to shore up the tottering capitalist system to ensure business as usual and wealth creation for the few, at the expense of the many. That's why a lot of angry people, hardworking taxpayers, activists, pensioners, the unemployed, people who've lost their homes and savings, small business and shop workers, and all manner of victims of the economic collapse are joining forces in new and powerful coalitions to express their rage.

On Financial Fool's Day, we will take our protest to the belly of the beast: the Bank of England in London's financial square mile.

April Fools Day is hereby declared a public holiday!

On 1st April at 11 a.m. parades will join up at four railway stations around the edge of the square mile - Liverpool St, London Bridge, Cannon St and Moorgate - and snake their way though the City to converge at the Bank of England for 12 noon.

Each procession will be headed by one of the Four Horsefolk of the Apocalypse, commanding their forces against

1) Climate chaos (Green horse, Liverpool St),

2) War (Red horse, Moorgate),

3) Job/savings/pensions losses (Silver horse, London Bridge) and

4) Home repossessions (Black horse, Cannon Street).

G20 Meltdown calls for as many people as possible to join us for Banquet at the Bank, bring food, fun and games to share - a very rare delicacy will be served, bankers brains!

If you want to Eat the Bankers join the Silver horse in a zombie block!

The Trial of Capitalism, for crimes against the planet : send'em to the gallows, politicians, war criminals and bankers hanging from every lamppost! If you want to press the charges for war crimes join the Red horse!

The Rainforest arrives in the City, Giant anacondas up the pillars, macaws shitting on the statues, polar bears on melting icebergs. Join the Green horse in animal mask or bring greenery for gorilla invasion of the urban jungle!

The World Turns Full Circle, The 360th anniversary of the Diggers, English Revolutionaries for the Earth, a 'Common Treasury for All'. Join the Black horse with diggers' spades to celebrate!

Can we overthrow this corrupt and despised government? Yes, we can!

Can we live sustainably and avert climate chaos? Yes, we can!

Can we defy the database police state and restore our ancient freedoms? Yes, we can!

Old Holborn will be following the Red Horse

Jack Straw's Bill of Rights is bogus

Open mouthed at the comparison Jack Straw made with the 1689 Bill of Rights. Straw's proposals are not Rights, it is a catalogue of entitlements.

The only Rights that are being enshrined are for the State, it will enshrine the right of punitive taxation, the Right of a massive State to exist and exercise almost total control of the subject, because you will no longer considered a free citizen.

It will enshrine into Law the rights and privilges of this corrupt elite. What we need is a Bill of Rights extolling the priviliges of the individual against the State, Straw is explicit that his Bill of Rights AND Responsibilities of the individual to the State is framed to act against the 'Me' and is to reinforce the collective will.

1689 Bill Of Rights

* Freedom from royal interference with the law. Though the sovereign remains the fount of justice, he or she cannot unilaterally establish new courts or act as a judge.

* Freedom from taxation by Royal Prerogative. The agreement of parliament became necessary for the implementation of any new taxes.

* Freedom to petition the monarch.

* Freedom from the standing army during a time of peace. The agreement of parliament became necessary before the army could be moved against the populace when not at war.

* Freedom for Protestants to bear arms for their own defence, as suitable to their class and as allowed by law.

* Freedom to elect members of parliament without interference from the sovereign.

* Freedom of speech in parliament. This means that the proceedings of parliament can not be questioned in a court of law or any other body outside of parliament itself; this forms the basis of modern parliamentary privilege.

* Freedom from cruel and unusual punishment, as well as excessive bail.

* Freedom from fine and forfeiture without a trial.

This Act was to preserve the Freedom of the Elite against the Crown, Straw is attempting to preserve the Freedom of the Elite against the Electorate.

Potential Bovver

Some large London firms are sending out Email warnings to their staff aout April 1st

From: xxxxxxxxx
Sent: 23 March 2009 21:23
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: G20 Summit - Potential Bovver


We have been informed that there will be organised protests in central London next Wednesday 1st April against the G20 economic summit. The action may also continue during the summit on 2nd April.
A high police presence will mean much of central London will be closed off to prevent protesters from reaching the City and Bank’s offices – their principal targets.
As there may therefore be some ‘spillage’ into xxxxxx, it is appropriate that we consider some simple precautionary measures to take ourselves on 1st April (and possibly 2nd April too):

- Try to avoid the need to traverse central London by foot or taxi
- Try to discourage any need for clients or suppliers to visit the office on those days
- Avoid wearing a suit / tie or blatantly displaying business equipment (laptops, mobiles etc) when in town if at all possible
- Keep the shutters, doors and windows of the office closed throughout the day, and do not ‘buzz’ anyone in through the main door without first meeting them at the door and confirming the validity of their visit
- Avoid leaving any rubbish bags, bikes, or any other loose materials (bricks, knives etc) outside of the office perimeter.

Of course with sensitive policing (ahem..) it may all amount to nothing, but better to be prepared.

Finally, you may be aware that this Saturday 28th March sees the 2009 ‘Earth Hour’ – details at http://www.earthhour.org/about/
Unfortunately this otherwise entirely peaceful demonstration has G20 protestors threatening damage to any properties in London displaying lights between 8.30PM to 9.30PM on 28/3.
Again, please ensure if you are working in the office over the weekend that it is left secure, alarmed, and with any lights off so as to avoid unnecessary attention

(- please confirm with cleaners too).

Please let us know if you need further clarification.


OH Update: Full timetable here

My favourite bit:

But Billy Bragg, the singer, who will perform at the rally outside the Bank of England, said: "The City of London has been playing fast and loose with people's pensions and the time for a light touch has passed.
"There will be a lot of people out there for whom this is the first opportunity to express their anger and look for another way of doing things. The anti-globalisation movement last time was doing it in the teeth of a boom. Now capitalism has foundered and people want an alternative to what we've had."

Dawn Butler MP. Liar and thief.

Dawn Butler MP (Lab, Montego Bay) yesterday


Further to the news that Jacqui “Cuntface” Smith is to continue shitting in our faces and the revelation that Tony McCunty still lives with his mum and dad on the condition that he gives them all our money, it has been revealed that diversity and ethnic background are no bar to getting your fat fucking face in the trough with the best of them.

Dawn Butler, (the loony who forged a letter from Obama on HoC Notepaper stating that she was the greatest thing since Nelson Mandela) has joined the ranks of the Gloucester Old Spot.

She’s on the fiddle as well! She lives in East Londonistan, but has blown £23000 Earth Pounds on ANOTHER property in North London!

Proper equality at last. I just need a thieving spastic wheelchair MP to complete a full house

Any suggestions? Will my lamp posts need wheelchair access?

Caught Red Handed- Give me a pay rise

You get you hand caught in the till, and what do this shower start demanding ? a £40 000 pay rise.

Jack Straw ring fences homophobia.

People are not philosophical issues, they are people, and deciding to live or die is the most intrinsic freedom they have.

Yesterday afternoon should have seen an important debate on an amendment tabled by Patricia Hewitt regarding the criminalisation of partners in the case of assisted suicide. It didn't.

The amendment was to the Justice and Coroners Bill, aptly described by Edward Garnier as:

"the size of the mid-Suffolk telephone book, [...]yet another plum duff of a Bill—plenty of duff and very few plums".

Two days had been set aside for MPs to debate the important provisions in this bill - Dr Harris said:

It is amazing that the elected House will not get to debate murder law reform, and that we will probably not get to debate free speech, which has not been debated in this House for centuries—not since the days of the Star Chamber—in the terms on the Order Paper.

Let Mr Garnier explain the problem to you:

It is outrageous that, in the two days set aside for Report, the Government have already spoiled the afternoon by making not only one statement, but two. We accept that it is entirely proper for the Prime Minister to make a statement at the first available opportunity following the spring European Council, even though it took an hour or so out of the parliamentary day. However, it is wholly unacceptable for the Secretary of State for Justice, whose business the Bill is, voluntarily to insert his statement on rights and responsibilities into an already overcrowded first day of the Report stage. [...] it is a wholly improper constriction of the time of this House for the Secretary of State to make a statement today that he could have made on any day last week, any day the week before or any day in the remainder of this week. It was not time-precious—that is to say, time-urgent—for him to make the statement today.

Phillip Davies was even more forthright:

[...] It is either incompetence on the Government’s part, or a deliberate attempt to prevent a debate from taking place. The Government can choose which it is. I am quite relaxed about allowing them to choose whether it is incompetence or a deliberate attempt to stifle debate, but it is one of those two things.

Incompetence or a deliberate attempt to stifle debate? But the arrival of the Prime Minister and the Justice Secretary to give lengthy speeches and curtail debating time on this bill was not to be allowed to stifle all debate.

On the day when young Michael Causer's parents emerged blinking into the sunshine outside Liverpool Crown Court to announce that they were 'disappointed' that justice had not been done - disappointed? I thought his murderers had just been jailed for life? Ahh, Jailed for life, but not emotively labeled 'homophobic killers'.....Jack Straw has ring fenced an entire hour of the debate today to discuss 'homophobic hatred'.

Parliament is still allowed to discuss the really important matters like homophobia, just not not trifling matters of life or death, or even free speech.

No More Coroner's Inquests For State Murders

Slippery Weasel Jack Straw, the deeply unpleasant "Justice Secretary" has managed to get his nasty new law past the supine wankers in Parliament.

Now the State can murder you and just sweep the body aside without the inconvenience of a public inquest with a jury.

As for his promises that it would hardly ever be used, didn't the same cunt say the same thing about the terrorist laws that the police and even council officials now use routinely to suit themselves?

The Penguin

Contest 2

“We want to move away from just challenging violent extremism. We now believe that we should challenge people who are against democracy and state institutions”, he said.

This document being processed by Whitehall is extending the scope of defining who is a terrorist suspect from Islamists to anybody who opposes 'state institutions'

The inevitability of Welfarism to Totalitarianism.

The Guardian has also learned of a separate secret Whitehall counterterrorism report advocating widening the definition of who is considered extremist. Not all in Whitehall agree with the proposals and one official source said plans to widen the definition were "incendiary" and could alienate Muslims, whose support in the counterterrorism effort is needed. There were also fears it could aid the far right.

Never mind lets concentrate on Eastenders and Jade Goody and pretend this is not happening.


Just heard Jackboot Jacqui on R4, if you do not respect 'our' shared values, you will be 'challenged'. I for one do not accept the values of these obscene Government where mendacity is the central value. I await to be challenged.

Righteous and conspiracy.

Pay no attention to than that Mandelson behind the curtain.
(Picture found hiding here)

In the comments to a previous post of mine, Anonymous said this:

On the one hand you give us this little theory, and yet on the other you confidently predict that the righteous don't have the brain power to come up with something like Common Purpose, that seeks to look after their own damned graduates afore any other.

Make up your mind!

He has a point.

So, here’s the way I see things. It’s just my opinion, it’s what I interpret from years of far-too-close encounters with the Righteous but I’m no authoritative guru. This is just how it looks to me.

I’ve been wary of conspiracy theories because, as I’ve said before, I don’t believe our government could conspire their way out of a paper bag. The Brown Gorgon, Jacq the Ripper, Bouncy Balls, Hideous Harman, the Ginger Midget and the rest are clearly flailing around with absolutely no idea what they’re doing. They make up legislation based on what’s happened today with no consideration of what happened yesterday and no concern about what might happen tomorrow. The idea of any of them being a ‘mastermind’ is laughable.

That does not mean there isn’t a man behind the curtain. I haven’t seen him but I can’t prove he’s not there.

The Righteous act without thought. Each of them believes that what they say today is reality, what they said yesterday has been forgotten by everyone and what they say tomorrow will be a new reality. They demand that we perform risk assessments before crossing the street yet they have never considered the consequences of their actions. Further, they will never, ever, admit they were wrong.

So we have a smoking ban to exert a smug Righteous control and pubs close in droves. That’s blamed on everything but the smoking ban. We have demands for wheelchair access to dancing venues, which is rubbing serious salt in those wounds for the disabled and inconveniences everyone else. The rule performs no function other than to be today’s Righteous proclamation. We have demands that every illegal immigrant be allowed to stay, that anyone who objects is racist and then they can’t understand why so many vote BNP. Lately, Johnny Porridge stated to the nation that half of us have to die in order to save the other half.

These are not the thoughts and actions of intelligent people. Each Righteous works for themselves and themselves alone. Each Righteous knows the Only True Way. Each one of them is The One. They have never, will never and cannot possibly work together. They are in competition with each other for control.

The Righteous are not intelligent. They have had free reign under a government too busy feathering their own nests to care what’s happening in the country. Each idiotic pronouncement is grasped by a gullible government devoid of ideas of their own. Each step makes a Righteous move up a notch. Every time that happens, more of them try to take the pole position with a new pronouncement of their own. Each individual Righteous agenda is separate but the overall result is chaos and despair.

The Righteous are dangerous but only when allowed out to play. They are the curtain-twitchers, the purse-lipped tight-bunned librarians in those Elton John glasses and tired cardigans. They are the traffic wardens who hide around corners, the park-keepers who roar at anyone who so much as bends a blade of grass. They are the personnel officers who think they own the company. They are the shop stewards of the sixties and seventies, who would bring down a factory and put all their members out of work because the canteen ran out of tea. They are the guy who comes up to you when you’re trying to fix your car and tells you the screenwash must be empty. They are the meddlers, the pickers of detail, the annoying know-alls we used to brush aside.

Now they have joined fake charities and they have become Government Advisors. The only reason they get those positions is that nobody with any sense cares to tell the government anything. Might as well tell the garden gnomes. They won’t listen either but at least they won’t use the information to balls something up. In my line of work, the appropriate Government Advisor is Prof. Hugh Pennington, known in these parts as ‘Saucy HP’ (yes, my fault). He routinely advises outside his range of expertise. The rest of us sigh and set about fixing it.

The government don’t care about us at all. Neither do the Righteous. The government just make shit up as they go along. So do the Righteous. Both are interested only in their own advancement and in increasing their own perceived importance. They are dangerous, they represent a threat to us all that makes Alky Ada and the Hiya Ray look like no more than a bit of a nuisance, but their actions are random. That’s been the problem. It’s hard to fight them because they operate as independent random elements, a sort of political Brownian motion (strangely apposite!) so it’s impossible to say what lunacy will appear next. The only solution is common sense in government and there’s little hope of that.


They can be manipulated. Their own arrogance and self-importance makes them vulnerable to intelligent persuasion but only if they think it's in their own interests.

I don’t believe the Righteous started out as a conspiracy. I don’t believe they could run one now. But I don’t rule out the possibility that someone has seen the potential in their random actions and has taken the opportunity to guide them here and there, to bring together their random control-freakery into a coherent whole. With a little malicious intent and some persuasive words, it wouldn’t really be very difficult. It would have to be someone already in a position of power and authority, someone the Righteous would see as important.

I don’t think there was originally a man behind the curtain.

There might well be one now.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Blimey, The Yanks are now seeing Reds and Militiamen under the bed

The Good Old Boys in Missouri have produced a document on the 'threat' of Militiamen, and there towards the end of this 'academic' piece of work is the suggestion that you can tell a militiaman from his choice of Bumper sticker. If you think that Ron Paul talks sense you are a potential terrorist, if you have a Libertarian bumper sticker you have a better chance than most of being filed under T for Terrorist.

Basically if you are not for the Government that likes throwing your money around, there is something wrong with you. Needless to say that many prominent Libertarians are considering taking legal action against Governor Nixon (!)and the State of Missouri.

MIAC is a Government sponsored 'local intelligence' gathering unit, and guess what what the Yanks have got, you just know that Jackboot Jacqui will want as well. The difference ? Americans have a fully working FOI Act, we have a pale shadow of FOI with a Jack Straw Veto, so we have no idea what Spliff is upto.

Does any of this sound vaguely familiar-

Missouri Information Analysis Center (MIAC)

Federal, State & Local
Public/Private Partnership

Improving community safety, reducing crime & threats through improved communications within Missouri & neighboring states.

Sign up today and start receiving threat information that could affect your organization or agency.

What is MIAC and why it is needed?

Missouri Information Analysis Center (MIAC) provides a public safety partnership consisting of local, state and federal agencies, as well as the public sector and private entities that will collect, evaluate, analyze, and disseminate information and intelligence to the agencies tasked with Homeland Security responsibilities in a timely, effective, and secure manner.

MIAC is the mechanism to collect incident reports of suspicious activities to be evaluated and analyzed in an effort to identify potential trends or patterns of terrorist or criminal operations within the state of Missouri. MIAC will also function as a vehicle for two-way communication between federal, state and local law enforcement community within our region.

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Our law enforcement and criminal justice allies are some of the most vital partnerships and valuable resources to business. Often our local criminal justice agencies are not aware of the many ways the private sector can support them. The MIAC member corporations’ value to our communities goes far beyond providing a safe place to operate business.

Why Become a Partner?

Intelligence is a vital key to the “War on Terrorism and Crime". Becoming a partner in the MIAC program has several benefits; it ensures that potential threat-related, but not necessarily urgent, information is shared with our partners; it facilitates the productive liaison between federal, state and local law enforcement community; and it encourages the sharing of potentially crucial intelligence. Partners also benefit by receiving valuable training provided by MIAC members or other MIAC partner agencies.

MIAC is an information sharing initiative owned and operated by the MIAC.
Should you have any questions call: 866-362-6422

© 2009, Missouri Information Analysis Center. All rights reserved.

Stanislav's Sunday Telly


Good evening and tonight we are in, oh fuck, I dunno, some historic hall or other and on tonight’s panel is Tony McNutter, a loathsome doctrinaire authoritarian bully and another thieving fucking bastard, also Labour’s Obedience minister of whom it was once said that he had a face like an arse and a voice to match, viewers and indeed the studio audience here can make up its or should I say their own mind about that but I know what I think….

Billy Bragg is a musician, of sorts, if that’s what you call the noise he makes with that shitty cheap electric guitar, not that it would matter if he was playing a ten grand Gibson Les Paul as I believe they are known in the trade, I don’t but then I’m just the Chairman and a millionaire publisher, all those desperate little local rags, Bugles and Advertisers and Couriers, own ‘em all I do, my ah so-called brother Jonathan may well hobnob with the Prince of Wales but I have the money. And the connections. An occasional columnist with the Daily Bizzarograph where he writes on stupid white man issues with a condescension rendered all the more breathtaking by his own fathomless vacuity, Billy Bragg is considered an expert on the couple of infantile songs with endless variations written if that’s the word by the legendary, shiftless, drunken wife-beater Woody Guthrie and considers himself a cross between Wat Tyler and Bob Dylan although he is nothing but an atonal mouthy Cockney phony.

Next to him is David Aaronovitch, a man with literary London’s most miniscule and bizarrely trimmed tuft of facial hair; he thinks, as is the way with these things, that this ridiculous affectation obscures the quivering jowls and multiple chins which so advertise the level of his heart attack gluttony and idleness even though, quite obviously, it doesn’t and couldn’t. David writes for the Times because everybody else hates him, as do I and so I suspect will the viewers by the end of the programme.

For the Liberal Democrats, Mr Tavish McHooter, from one of those dreadful barren islands full of inbred, six-toed, accordion-squeezing mutants, is the new leader in Scotland, Mr McHooter is famed throughout Scotland for the size of his nose, maybe its quite startling enlargement being due to his compulsion to open his mouth and put his foot deeply inside it, Ear, Nose and Throat specialists of my acquaintance say that this cannot but have a deleterious effect on the proboscis although, prying, Liberal Democratesque, into people’s business, it may have its uses, the nose of course and not the party.

Mad Melanie Phillips of the Simon Wiesenthal Organisation completes tonight’s panel. Melanie is a journalist and broadcaster although it must be said that her stock in trade consists of saying, very belligerently. Any Fucking Bastard Who Disagrees With Me is a Nazi; once, famously, on the BBC’s Moral Maze programme she bit the nose off a member of the Salvation Army, mistaking him for a member of the Adolf Hitler Brigade of the Waffen SS. That’s our panel, ladies and gentlemen and you, the studio audience, chosen from many applicants to come on here to clap like penguins and be ignored, have supplied tonight’s questions, even though the production team have excluded any real ones, many of you are teachers and your major qualification for being here at all is that you stupidly think that this exercise in empty-headedness is something to do with democracy and not, as it is, pure showbusiness, no better than EastEnders

First one is from Mr Henley Beauregarde….Yes…. that’s you…in the boilersuit…Yes ?

Gurrevenin’ and worrIwannaknow is wotchooallgonnado…….

…….I’m sorry, Mr Beauregarde, can you speak English???

Thass wharrIam speaking, Jonafun…

it’s David actually…

Sorry, Dave…


Exactly, wot I meant ….anyway

Mr Beauregarde, your question ?

Yeah, its like wharrayouallgonnado about all these bleedin nig-nogs coming in from Poland and places like that, norrexactly nignogs in the traditional way, y’know, wiv a bone in their bleedin’ noses but even so….. foreigners like…..

Well, who should go first …… Minister????

Well, David, at times like this what the country needs is firm leadership, someone ready to take the actions needed to burn all the money and to make sure that any future money comes from the presses wrapped around firelighters and soaked in petrol, only not mine of course which I quite properly receive for having a cup of tea now and again with my parents in their house and which at some tens of thousands of pounds represents very good value for the taxpayer…..

The question, Minister, was about immigration, or nig-nogs as the questioner put it….

And I am proud to belong to a government of arsonists and not like the party opposite, Mr Deputy Spunker, who would simply sit on their hands, do nothing and let the fire go out……..

Melanie Phillips Rosenberg ben Flamethrower ? You’re not going to bite me, are you, I’ll call security……..

No, David, I’m not going to bite you but as I was saying in the Daily Shite the Palestinians should be bulldozed into the sea by nice bright yellow kosher bulldozers, then and only then will we put a stop to all these Moslem bastards coming in here and fucking our women with their bendy, uncircumscribed cocks, Oi vay, it’s simply the only response that a decent society can make to the Holocaust, is bomb all the wog schools in the Middle East and anyone who disagrees with me is a fucking Nazi, my husband’s a lawyer you know, sort of……….

Thank you…….and Billy Bragg ???

Well, David, This land is your land, mate, this land is my land but mainly the primary concern oughta be for the disenfranchised white working clarse male, who, fankfully, don’t live nowhere near my country ‘ouse an’ better not come nowhere near me, the chippy bastard, I mean I’m ‘appy to write about ‘im but, fuck me, don’t wanna ‘ave ‘im comin’ round me gaff while I’m playing me folk music…..

Thank you and David Beard, what do they think about these things down at the Times madeupnewsandfilth dotcom ?

Well, of course, as I say in my new best selling book of sharp observations Why I Am A Cunt And A Bully , Granite-headed fascists and Stalinists in Britain or Australia will jib at the idea of carrying an identity card, whereas the milkiest liberals in Germany, France and Portugal - where they actually lived under occupation or totalitarianism - think nothing of it, so I think that deals with Mt Beauregatrde’s hidden agenda, and rather more elegantly than have my competitors, nit that I have any; frankly, I can’t wait to have my ID card, Drop kick me, Jehovah through the detention centre doors of Life…

Thank you and finally Tavish McHooter

well David, Vince Cable’s been saying for years…..

Thank you and sadly that’s all we have time for tonight, Next week’s Question Time comes from some other fucking school or college, why we can’t have them in some elegant country hotel staffed by horsey totty, I simply do not know and on the panel will be Old Mother Hatterjee, socialist peer, so bring your umbrellas and mackintoshes; writer, scientist polymath and pisshead, professor Richard Dawkins, author of Worship Me, Not God. The Daily Telegraph’s Great Purple-faced Heffer and some other mouthy cunt yet to be chosen. Thank you for watching me and you can watch me again, immediateley on some other BBC platform…...portal??? Whatever, as we now say, from me and this gang of riff-raff, Goodnight.

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